Friday, May 22, 2009

Tracking Radio-collared Hipsters



In 2001 the National Park Service started a project to fit 12 Hipsters with radio collars and track their movements. In the picture above, biologist Emmanuel tracks a hipster utilizing the 101 freeway as a connecting corridor between Silverlake and San Francisco. This corridor along Highway 101 is vital to hipster dispersal because the area between Silverlake and San Francisco is otherwise filled with habitats unsuitable for Hipsters, except for one coffee shop in San Luis Obispo.

In the last 5 years, a disturbing trend has been noted in Hipsters, with their population dropping by at least 80%. It is believed that some of them have entered torpor due to too much cocaine, while others have pupated and transformed into Yuppies or so-called "Indie-Kids". Projects like the one pictured above are vital in ensuring the survival of this strange, rare species.

4 comments:

Blackbird's Daughter said...

"...while others have migrated to locations as distant as Burlington, VT and Boston, MA, in an apparent search for a greater breeding pool and the chance to display even more seasonally-specific markings. The careful observer may notice first-generation scenester-hipster offspring, especially in public places such as outdoor concerts or cafes; note the presence of both second-hand and designer strollers and ironic onesies."

Charlie said...

smaller cities such as Burlington and Asheville act as refugia for hipsters. The island effect, if you will.

Bonnyjean said...

I think I found one under my porch... should I call the dept. of fish and game? It appears to be a male, but the jeans would indicate otherwise...

Blackbird's Daughter said...

a now commonly accepted theory posited by several leading researches argues that a major source of hipster decline is due to the population's severe vulnerability to SJS (skinny jeans syndrome), and the subsequent lessening of sperm viability that accompanies it.

though it's hard to tell without photographic evidence, I'm guessing from the description that 'your' hipster is lost, disoriented, and probably suffering from late-stage SJS. The two most humane modes of dealing with this are as follows:

A) lull it with a 6-pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon, and when its defenses are down quickly remove its pants, thereby releasing the constricted blood flow and providing it with enough angsty/victimized future journal entries and song lyrics to propel it back into the breeding pool, or
B) shoot it. Best of luck!