Friday, January 8, 2010

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Heavy Snowfall in Burlington, Vermont Disproves Global Warming

Burlington, Vermont -
Climatologists are scratching their heads - and shoveling their driveways - after a heavy snowstorm in Burlington, Vermont dumped record amounts of soft, fluffy snow throughout the area, while instantly debunking the theory of human-caused climate change. The snowfall, which is still occurring, had added up to around 28 inches as of 9 AM this morning.

"I sure hope those Al Gore-Worshiping Liberals have learned their lesson!", said LimbaughLover361 on a weather message board. "Clearly Burlington would not be at risk of breaking an all time single-storm snowfall record if the climate was warming! HA!"

The idea that humans are increasing global temperatures by emitting so-called 'greenhouse gases' has been around since at least the time of Obama's election, when, critics say, it was concocted as part of a ploy to create global hegemony. However, the theory was called into question in December when heavy snow fell on the eastern seaboard, including Washington DC. However, climate scientists were not convinced. The final nail in the coffin of this theory has turned out to be the heavy snowfall occurring in parts of the western Champlain Valley of Vermont.

Not everyone is convinced, however. Local naturalist Sam Ispa-Bushell was quoted as saying "Wow, that IS a lot of snow! I was trying to commune with the full moon in Centennial Woods last night and almost got lost due to the deep snow! Thankfully, my friend had a fully functional GPS-linked knife-compass combo that got us home safely. But I thought part of the reason for the heavy snowfall was the fact that Lake Champlain isn't frozen yet. Couldn't that be a sign of climate change in and of itself?" It is likely that liberals will continue to backpedal in this manner for the next few days; however, they can only do so for so long before they see reason and go back to studying the effect of snow on geese cloacas, or something.

Local Winooski resident John Dinglepuff also commented on the snowfall, saying "If those lazy polar bears can't find ice they should come to my house and find my car! Maybe they can dig it out of this snwowbank for me!" However, evidence later indicated that his car had been towed away because it was obstructing snowplows, and the pile of snow he was angrily shoveling was in fact, just a snow-covered trash can.

Friday, January 1, 2010

Science Creates 'Snuggie' made of 'Shamwow' material!

That's right! Science has combined the warmth and comfort of a Snuggie with the absorbent power of a Shamwow!

Go ahead and spill beer on yourself. Roll in spills on the floor! Just wring the snug-wow out every few months when it starts to get moldy.

Warning: don't go out in the rain or you will be crushed under 3000 pounds of synthetic fabric.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Titan: Fart Ball Planet

Recent evidence suggests that rainfall of methane may occur on Titan, Saturn's largest moon. This means that rivers and lakes and watersheds (methanesheds?) of disgusting-smelling fluid are flowing over the surface of this planet. Here's a picture:

Science is gross!

Please note that Titan can not be lit on fire, because there is not significant oxygen in the atmosphere.

Saturday, September 5, 2009

Why did the Wicked Witch of the West Melt?

The wicked witch of the west was made up of ionic bonds, rather than covalent bonds, because she was not a carbon-based life form. When several mol of water was dumped on her, she melted, and her particles turned into ions in the water.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Pink Lady Slipper Dispersed by Elves

Pink Lady's Slipper (Cypripedium acaule) is a beautiful plant that occurs along much of the East Coast of North America. According to the well-regarded scientific journal, this plant occurs in pine and broadleaf forests and requires an association with a fungi for its survival.

Until now, very little was known about the way seeds of this plant are dispersed. However, compelling new research indicates that the plant is actually dispersed by elves, who use the flowers as shoes. These elves frolic widely across many forests, effectively dispersing the seeds. Some elves are lazy and prefer to frolick down Class 4 Forest Service Roads, which accounts for this plant often occurring on roadsides.

Normal dispersal methods such as wind and animals can not account for the dispersal of this plant, because they fail to account for the fungal associate, which is rarely seen in nature. It is, however, commonly found on elf feet, as a foot fungus. Elves discard the shoes when their feet become sweaty due to humidity, thus inoculating the seeds with their fungal associate.

Saturday, June 6, 2009

Alternative Plant Names: Toxic-O-Ding-Dong

Originally uploaded by inyopfc
Some may know it as Toxicodendron diversilobum, while others know it as Poison Oak. Yet more people know it as @#@#%$!^^^#$.

To a fake scientist, it is Toxic-O-Ding-Dong.

And it makes a really bad toilet paper.