Water Elementals can Not Exist because Water is Not an Element

'classical elements' nonwithstanding.

Heavy Snowfall in Burlington, Vermont Disproves Global Warming

Burlington, Vermont -
Climatologists are scratching their heads - and shoveling their driveways - after a heavy snowstorm in Burlington, Vermont dumped record amounts of soft, fluffy snow throughout the area, while instantly debunking the theory of human-caused climate change. The snowfall, which is still occurring, had added up to around 28 inches as of 9 AM this morning.

"I sure hope those Al Gore-Worshiping Liberals have learned their lesson!", said LimbaughLover361 on a weather message board. "Clearly Burlington would not be at risk of breaking an all time single-storm snowfall record if the climate was warming! HA!"

The idea that humans are increasing global temperatures by emitting so-called 'greenhouse gases' has been around since at least the time of Obama's election, when, critics say, it was concocted as part of a ploy to create global hegemony. However, the theory was called into question in December when heavy snow fell on the eastern seaboard, including Washington DC. However, climate scientists were not convinced. The final nail in the coffin of this theory has turned out to be the heavy snowfall occurring in parts of the western Champlain Valley of Vermont.

Not everyone is convinced, however. Local naturalist Sam Ispa-Bushell was quoted as saying "Wow, that IS a lot of snow! I was trying to commune with the full moon in Centennial Woods last night and almost got lost due to the deep snow! Thankfully, my friend had a fully functional GPS-linked knife-compass combo that got us home safely. But I thought part of the reason for the heavy snowfall was the fact that Lake Champlain isn't frozen yet. Couldn't that be a sign of climate change in and of itself?" It is likely that liberals will continue to backpedal in this manner for the next few days; however, they can only do so for so long before they see reason and go back to studying the effect of snow on geese cloacas, or something.

Local Winooski resident John Dinglepuff also commented on the snowfall, saying "If those lazy polar bears can't find ice they should come to my house and find my car! Maybe they can dig it out of this snwowbank for me!" However, evidence later indicated that his car had been towed away because it was obstructing snowplows, and the pile of snow he was angrily shoveling was in fact, just a snow-covered trash can.

Science Creates 'Snuggie' made of 'Shamwow' material!

That's right! Science has combined the warmth and comfort of a Snuggie with the absorbent power of a Shamwow!

Go ahead and spill beer on yourself. Roll in spills on the floor! Just wring the snug-wow out every few months when it starts to get moldy.

Warning: don't go out in the rain or you will be crushed under 3000 pounds of synthetic fabric.

Titan: Fart Ball Planet

Recent evidence suggests that rainfall of methane may occur on Titan, Saturn's largest moon. This means that rivers and lakes and watersheds (methanesheds?) of disgusting-smelling fluid are flowing over the surface of this planet. Here's a picture:



Science is gross!


Please note that Titan can not be lit on fire, because there is not significant oxygen in the atmosphere.

Why did the Wicked Witch of the West Melt?

The wicked witch of the west was made up of ionic bonds, rather than covalent bonds, because she was not a carbon-based life form. When several mol of water was dumped on her, she melted, and her particles turned into ions in the water.

Pink Lady Slipper Dispersed by Elves

Pink Lady's Slipper (Cypripedium acaule) is a beautiful plant that occurs along much of the East Coast of North America. According to the well-regarded scientific journal Wikipedia.com, this plant occurs in pine and broadleaf forests and requires an association with a fungi for its survival.

Until now, very little was known about the way seeds of this plant are dispersed. However, compelling new research indicates that the plant is actually dispersed by elves, who use the flowers as shoes. These elves frolic widely across many forests, effectively dispersing the seeds. Some elves are lazy and prefer to frolick down Class 4 Forest Service Roads, which accounts for this plant often occurring on roadsides.

Normal dispersal methods such as wind and animals can not account for the dispersal of this plant, because they fail to account for the fungal associate, which is rarely seen in nature. It is, however, commonly found on elf feet, as a foot fungus. Elves discard the shoes when their feet become sweaty due to humidity, thus inoculating the seeds with their fungal associate.

Alternative Plant Names: Toxic-O-Ding-Dong

Toxic-O-Ding-Dong
Originally uploaded by inyopfc

Some may know it as Toxicodendron diversilobum, while others know it as Poison Oak. Yet more people know it as @#@#%$!^^^#$.

To a fake scientist, it is Toxic-O-Ding-Dong.

And it makes a really bad toilet paper.

Tracking Radio-collared Hipsters

In 2001 the National Park Service started a project to fit 12 Hipsters with radio collars and track their movements. In the picture above, biologist Emmanuel tracks a hipster utilizing the 101 freeway as a connecting corridor between Silverlake and San Francisco. This corridor along Highway 101 is vital to hipster dispersal because the area between Silverlake and San Francisco is otherwise filled with habitats unsuitable for Hipsters, except for one coffee shop in San Luis Obispo.

In the last 5 years, a disturbing trend has been noted in Hipsters, with their population dropping by at least 80%. It is believed that some of them have entered torpor due to too much cocaine, while others have pupated and transformed into Yuppies or so-called "Indie-Kids". Projects like the one pictured above are vital in ensuring the survival of this strange, rare species.

1.5 Miles from Economic Collapse

1.5 Miles from Economic Collapse
Originally uploaded by inyopfc

Apparently the next Great Depression is only 1.5 miles past this sign. Also, apparently someone thought that shooting the sign would cause economic stimulus.

Ladybug Orgy

Ladybug Orgy
Originally uploaded by inyopfc

Where are the Republicans? This is a moral outrage!

Science Disproves Commonly Stated Belief about Texas

Thick arundo
Originally uploaded by inyopfc

"Everything is Bigger in Texas"... so the phrase goes. But is it true?


It is certainly hotter in South Texas, and flatter. The thunderstorms are bigger. However, the invasive Arundo growing in Texas is actually smaller, and less dense, than in California.

So, we recommend the motto is refined thusly: "Everything is Bigger in Texas Except Some Noxious Weeds which are Bigger in California"

Hemlock Woolly Adelgid interview

Wow. Now i've seen it all. While searching some hilarious YouTube videos I came across this video of an interview with a Hemlock Woolly Adelgid. While I feel this information is important to get across to the public I just wish they had .... I don't know... maybe REHEARSED?! Still it's funny:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I3KD9vUhuaw

Alternative Plant Names: Trail Penis

Yucca
Originally uploaded by inyopfc

Throughout history, botanists have given plants vaguely inappropriate names. Some examples include the common name "blue dicks" and the scientific names "Lupinus succulentus" and "Trifolium fucatum". That's as far as it ever went, though.

Well, a real fake scientist doesn't just go half way. The plant pictured here goes by the names of "chaparral yucca" or the vaguely religious name "Our Lord's Candle". (Scientific name: Yucca whipleii). Well, we have abandoned these non-secular common names and have renamed this beautiful plant Trail Penis. Anyone who has hiked in California's chaparral in spring will know why.

Note, however, that this trail penis tends to bend to the left a bit.

For those of you who don't appreciate plants named after genitalia, please use the slightly modified alternative name, "Our Lord's Q-tip"

Greenhouse Warming: What Doesn't it Cause?

IMG_0851
Originally uploaded by inyopfc

Most scientists are quick to point out that no single weather event (Hurricane Katrina, the tornados this year, the tornado in LA, etc) can be blamed on greenhouse warming. After all, the atmosphere is incredibly complex and poorly understood. Who knows what would have happened if greenhouse warming were not occurring?

Well, by the same logic, EVERYTHING could be blamed on greenhouse warming. I mean, maybe hurricanes would have just stopped forming completely without greenhouse warming. Maybe unicorns would be shitting donuts down on the earth from above.

In this case, the fog pouring over the mountains is being caused by greenhouse warming. All of the CO2 emitting from the cars in LA (at the right side of the picture) is causing the air to rapidly heat and expand, which throws the fog over Mt Wilson in a frenzied attempt to escape the city. All of the other directions of escape for the fog are blocked by massive traffic jams.

When the fog gets into the mountains it sinks, because there are less cars there. See? It's simple. Also, in the back left you can see another tornado forming.

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